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<title>-the universe is on your shoulders, let me handle some of the weight- a reylo fanfiction by eek_eek</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22371151">-the universe is on your shoulders, let me handle some of the weight- a reylo fanfiction</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/eek_eek/pseuds/eek_eek'>eek_eek</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, One Shot, Sad, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self-Harm</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-01-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-01-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 13:00:42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,279</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22371151</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/eek_eek/pseuds/eek_eek</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Ben Solo is crushed by Rey's rejection and he doesn't know what his purpose in life is. </p>
<p>reylo one shot :)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kylo Ren/Rey, Poe Dameron/Finn, Rey &amp; Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, rey - Relationship</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>-the universe is on your shoulders, let me handle some of the weight- a reylo fanfiction</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hey yall i wrote this fic at like 2am on a school night so I'm sorry it's bad lol.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Rey looked out into the dark night sky through the open window of her room in the new rebel base. The full moon illuminated the compact space enough for her to see the small cot in the opposite corner of the room. A small draft made her shiver and suddenly she began to miss the smoldering heat of Jakku. But that thought soon left her mind as she began to remember the horrors she had to endure just to get a small piece of instant bread. At least here she had a full belly and a somewhat cozy room all to herself. She tried to make the room hers decorating with potted plants, flowers, some small pictures of her new family, and most importantly her lightsaber. Her cot was covered with 3 blankets since she was always cold, growing up on jakku under the boiling sun with barely enough body weight to stay alive, will do that to you. </p>
<p>	She continued to look out into the night, feeling a sudden cool breeze fill the room. Ben.<br/>
Rey hadn’t felt his presence since she served their connection on Crait and as much as she hates to admit it, she missed him. She missed the late night conversations they had about nothing and everything, the way his eyes would light up when she would tell him stories about the satisfaction she felt after fixing something that was ‘beyond repair.’ She missed the memories he would share about his past life and the feel of his hair on her fingertips. She missed when she could just be Rey, not a resistance hero, not a jedi, just herself. And when she was with him it felt like that was enough.</p>
<p>	But he chose power, he chose the first order. And that’s not something she couldn’t do no matter how much she wanted to be with him. The man who offered her his had was Kylo Ren and the only hand she would accept was Ben’s</p>
<p>	As the bond materialized around them Rey began to feel overwhelming senses of sadness, guilt and anguish fill her body. She wanted to sob, to cry out but she didn’t. The feelings weren’t her own… they were coming from the shadowy figure cowering in the corner. Then she felt sharp pains cover her arms, but when she looked down nothing had changed. </p>
<p>	“Ben…?” she asked her voice filled with worry and intrigue<br/>
“Now’s not a great time Rey.” he sounds defeated and as if he’d been crying </p>
<p>She takes a step closer but Ben stays cowering in the corner, shaking. He looks so tiny compared to his usual enormous stature. It breaks Rey’s heart to see him like this, so small and sad. His usual confidence and smug attitude is long gone, replaced with a scared posture and sorrowful atmosphere. </p>
<p>	“Ben what’s wrong?” she asked urgently </p>
<p>He turns around to face her. His scar illuminated in the moonlight. He looks like he hasn’t slept in weeks, the dark circles under his eyes have somehow doubled in size. He looks weaker, thinner as if he’d been skipping meals. His face was also covered in about twenty new scars, probably from the hard training he always puts himself through, working himself until he’s practically dead on the floor. His eyes are watery and his face is glistening from the trails of wet tears cascading down his face. It was one of the saddest things Rey has ever seen and she wanted nothing more than to reach out and wipe his tears away and make him feel any sort of happiness. </p>
<p>	“Oh so I’m Ben again?” He asks and Rey thinks she sees a little smirk come from the<br/>
corner of his mouth.<br/>
“Ben come on this is serious,” she takes a step closer so she is within touch<br/>
“Please, tell me what’s wrong”</p>
<p>That’s when she saw them, the roughly 20 fresh cuts plaguing Ben’s arms and the razor blade covered in his thick blood lying on the floor. The cuts ran deep and they were nonsensical, no rhyme or reason to their location, only meant to deal a lot of pain quickly. The majority of them reside around his wrists but they stretch up to his elbows, his gray sweater rolled to expose the mauled skin. His read blood covers his arms and shirt, some of it flowing it onto the floor. </p>
<p>He broke eye contact not being able to look Rey in the eye in fear that she’ll think less of him or worse, break the connection. He looks at her feet a million thoughts racing through his head, tears still plaguing his eyes. </p>
<p>Rey takes another step closer and throws her arms around Ben capturing him in a hug. Her face nestles into his neck and before she knew it, she starts to cry, her tears dampening his soft undergarment. </p>
<p>Ben doesn’t know how to react at first so he stays perfectly still, not sure if the hug is actually real or just another one of his cruel visions taunting him. That’s when Rey holds him closer and whispers just loud enough for him to hear<br/>
“It’s okay, I’m here”</p>
<p>Ben then returns the hug holding her close and sobs into her hair which is cascading down her shoulders, out of her usual three buns. After a couple of minutes they break apart and Rey looks Ben in the eyes. She sees the face of a broken boy who was sent away, wanting nothing more than to be like his father, sailing across the galaxy. He sees the face of a boy who was made fun of for his big ears and large nose. He sees the face of a boy who’s master tried to kill him without a moment's hesitation. And lastly he sees the face of a boy who was looking for someone, anyone to love him and accept him. </p>
<p>Ben closes his eyes and Rey places a light kiss on the tip of his nose, she’s sitting in his lap  gazing into his deep black eyes. She then realizes how close they are and how intimate this experience is, and she doesn’t care. Here she is kissing the Supreme Leader’s nose, the most feared man in the galaxy, her enemy. But she never thought of him that way he’s always just been her Ben. </p>
<p>Then she snaps back to reality and gets her head out of the clouds and remembers that the man in front of her is bleeding a lot, and for who knows how long. She grabs his hand and stands up intending to lead him to the bathroom to clean him up, but he won’t budge. </p>
<p>“Ben come on, let me help you.”<br/>
“No I did it myself so I’ll clean it myself, I don’t want to be more of a burden on you”</p>
<p>A burden? If anything he has been a blessing in her life, her other half and she suddenly realizes that she would do whatever he needs to be safe and secure. </p>
<p>“This is nonegotionable tough guy, I’m cleaning you up and then we’re talking about this, and I’m going to keep bothering you until you let me help you, so I would advise that you get your ass into the fucking bathroom flyboy until tell me what’s wrong” she says, her face stern but her eyes full of concern and worry<br/>
There’s a moment of silence and Rey beings to worry that the connection between them is faulting but it stays strong and Ben finally answers<br/>
“Alright, fine you win,” </p>
<p>She drags him into the small bathroom connected to her room and makes him sit on the counter while she gathers her first-aid materials. Rey dampens a cloth and runs it over the many cuts and scars and once the blood is washed away it becomes evident that this isn’t the first time he’s done this. Many white lines cover his wrists and arms, some more faded than others. Ben’s eyes are closed simply enjoying the simple pleasure of Rey’s touch and warmth. The comfortable silence between them is suddenly broken when Rey asks “How long have you been doing this?” whilst unscrewing a bottle of antibacterial salve. He looks down and her hands as she applies the salve to his wounds when he answers “10 years, started when I was 13.” He says this as if it’s the most common thing in the world, but Rey feels a sense of dread was over herself.</p>
<p>Why wasn’t I there for him? I could’ve helped him. I should’ve been there goddamnit</p>
<p>Suddenly Ben’s thoughts melt into her own and she hears him say, or think rather,<br/>
Rey it’s not your fault, it’s mine. There’s nothing you could’ve done… and I’m still here aren’t I?</p>
<p>He offers one of his classic smug smirks and she starts to feel a bit better, deciding that she’ll get to the real origin after he is patched up.</p>
<p>After Rey cleans his wounds she reaches for a bacta pact but Ben’s hand stops her before she can apply it. “What’s the matter?” she asks, genuinely concerned as to why Ben won’t let her heal him<br/>
“I like to let my scars heal naturally, it reminds me of my past and my past pain” he says with a shrug<br/>
Although Rey doesn’t like it, she does as he says because she truly has no say in the matter. So instead of a bacta pact she opts for old fashioned arm wraps and tape, being careful to cover every cut and gentle as to not hurt his already destroyed arms. </p>
<p>When the last of his wounds is covered and Rey deems it complete Ben presses a quick kiss on her cheek and walks out of the bathroom and onto her bed. He sits on her cot, his long legs making the bed seem miniature, she would’ve laughed if they were under different circumstances. She makes her way over to the cot but instead of sitting next to him she tells him to lie down, and he does so, surprisingly, with little hesitation. She lays next to him, or rather on top of him given that the cot only has enough room for one average sized person. They stay there for a while, Rey listening to the rise and fall of Ben’s chest. Their breaths synchronized as they lay basking in each other's warmth. </p>
<p>Much to Rey’s surprise Ben is the one to break the silence telling the story of how this all came to be. “I was 13 and alone, I didn’t fit in with any of the other padawans and they constantly made fun of me. Master Luke was becoming more and more distant and my parents were never in contact. I felt so alone, so one night I just picked up the nearest razor and went to town on my arms. It felt freeing and in the end, I somehow felt better.” He pauses to catch his breath. “Then as you know Luke tried to murder me and it was my fault, and then my parents cut me off completely and it was my fault. But the cutting was constant and still freeing.” He takes in a sharp inhale “Snoke told me that I was great, that I was special and I believed him like a goddamn fool. He made me feel better, but that euphoria didn’t last for long because he too would turn on me and scream and yell and torture me, poising my thoughts for years. So I returned to my only coping mechanism. Until you came along,” Ben turns to look Rey in the eyes “, you looked at me like nobody else had and you saw more than just a mask and for a while I felt happy. But I too lost you and managed to become a monster in the process. Innocent people are dead, I lost you and my family, I’m a complete failure. I don’t deserve to live, let alone receive your kindness. It’s best if you just let me rot here Rey, go be with a resistance hero and save the galaxy from my monstrous deeds. The universe is in shambles and I’m to blame.” He goes quiet but through the force bond Rey hears</p>
<p>Monster. Guilty. Evil. Disgusting. Horrible. Vile. You’re not worthy of love and you never will be, that’s why your family left you. You killed your dad, dad who loved you. Why did you do that?! I shouldn’t be allowed to live they should charge me for my crimes...</p>
<p>Rey has heard enough and she then decides to silence his thoughts by crashing her lips onto his in a moment of passion. His lips are rough but there’s a gentle nature about him. The kiss is quick but romantic nonetheless, filled with love and emotion. </p>
<p>“Ben they failed you first by thinking your choice was made, it wasn’t. There’s still time to come to the light. Ben, please… join me”</p>
<p>I love you Ben Solo, I need you by my side please join me</p>
<p>“I love you too Rey” Ben says with a huge grin on his face. He then leans in for another kiss, this one deeper than the last. The kiss is sloppy, full of want and passion. It lasts for a while but not as long as Rey had hoped. They break apart and Ben holds her close. </p>
<p>They fall asleep tangled in each other, blankets thrown haphazardly across their bodies and Ben is finally able to get a good night’s rest, his arms still sore as he holds the love of his life gently in his arms.</p>
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